JOKE OF THE DAY

[El Gato]

local priest and deacon stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that read, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They held up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.

“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge is out’ instead?”

[El Gato]

OKE: A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

[El Gato]

JOKE: An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down, and you know men won't ask for directions."

[El Gato]

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.

The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa, being in a kind of ill mood, responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."

Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please... Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"

"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked.

The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"

[El Gato]

t month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

[El Gato]

he following was overheard at a recent "high society" party.

"My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great," said Christine.

She then turned to Miriam and asked, "How far back does your family go?"

"I don't know," replied Miriam, "All of our records were lost in the flood."

[El Gato]

An eighty-five year old woman brought deviled eggs to a social gathering at church one Sunday afternoon.

She was approached by one of the deacons who says to her, "Don't you think it is wrong to bring deviled eggs to a house of worship on a Sunday?"

She replied, "Not if you fix them correctly."

The deacon smirked and asked, "And just how do you do that?"

The old woman responded, "Make sure you boil the hell out of those eggs."

[El Gato]

JOKE: This woman went through a bad break up. She grieved over her lost relationship, but eventually got better and decided it was time to have some fun again. She went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

Seeing the beautiful woman, the cowboy offered her a drink and they started talking. After a while, the woman built up some confidence and asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is. Why don't you come home with me and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

[El Gato]

: A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him around the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked.

The wife replied, "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it, that I found in your pants pocket."

The man then said, "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on." The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious, upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

"Your horse phoned," replied his wife.

[ajfoxy]

Hahahah... that's gold.

[El Gato]

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that her battery was dead. She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to dad.

After junior had called, he got back to his mother to inform her that it was a lady that picked up his Dad's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

The woman waited impatiently for her husband to return from work. As soon as she sighted him in the driveway, she ran out and gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why? She repeated to slap him and call him names. Neighbors rushed around to know the cause of this.

Finally, between the slaps, them man was able to figure out what happened and called for his son to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.

The son said "The number you are trying to call is not reachable at the moment. Please try again later."

[El Gato]

The president, tired of his low approval ratings, called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning."

Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.

The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The president said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me. So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"

The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the president saw him immediately.

The president said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, then, express the will of the people," the president ordered.

So the agent stood up, made a fist, and punched him in the nose.

[El Gato]

JOKE: My friend Julie and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Julie made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."

The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."

[El Gato]

My dinner party was headed for disaster.

One man, an insurance salesman, was monopolizing the conversation with a lengthy account of recent litigation involving himself. Since two other guests were lawyers, I was becoming increasingly uneasy.

"In the end," the salesman concluded, "you know who got all the money."

I cringed.

"The lawyers!" he shouted.

There was embarrassed silence at the table. My heart was pounding until the wife of one lawyer said, "Oh, I love a story with a happy ending."

[El Gato]

this is really messed

[El Gato]

JOKE: Sunday after church, a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared; you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, "Be not afraid; thy comforter is coming."

[El Gato]

JOKE: One night a lady with a black eye stumbled into a police station. She told the desk sergeant that she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the face and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a few minutes later, also with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same attacker?" his captain asked.

"No, sir," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

[El Gato]

A little boy was sitting outside a store eating one snickers candy bar after another, when an older man walked up and said, "You shouldn't be eating so much candy, it'll rot your teeth, it's just bad for you to eat so much candy."

The little boy looked up and said, "My grandfather lived to be 95 years old".

The older man asked: "Oh? by eating snickers candy bars?"

The little boy said: "No, by minding his own business."

[El Gato]

The president, tired of his low approval ratings, called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning."

Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.

The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The president said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me. So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"

The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the president saw him immediately.

The president said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, then, express the will of the people," the president ordered.

So the agent stood up, made a fist, and punched him in the nose.

[El Gato]

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that her battery was dead. She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to dad.

After junior had called, he got back to his mother to inform her that it was a lady that picked up his Dad's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

The woman waited impatiently for her husband to return from work. As soon as she sighted him in the driveway, she ran out and gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why? She repeated to slap him and call him names. Neighbors rushed around to know the cause of this.

Finally, between the slaps, them man was able to figure out what happened and called for his son to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.

The son said "The number you are trying to call is not reachable at the moment. Please try again later."

[El Gato]

The first time I met my wife, she was an intense aerobics instructor at my health club and I was an out-of-shape new member. After one grueling workout, I gasped, "This is really helping me get toned." She looked me up and down. Feeling self-conscious, I added, "Big men run in my family."

She raised an eyebrow. "Apparently not enough."

[El Gato]

ahhh... helllll no!!!!!

[ajfoxy]

I'm guessing "condoments"

[Big T]

[El Gato]

JOKE: Two high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes.

After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said: “Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper.”

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said, “First Question: Which tire was flat?”