JOKE OF THE DAY

[El Gato]

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

“Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them.”

The American nodded. “It’s the same in the USA only we see stars too!”

[El Gato]

A four-year-old little boy was at the doctor's office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walked over to her and inquisitively asked, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he replied, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question: "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." At this point the woman was thinking the little boy was incredibly cute and looked forward to what he had to say next.

And, much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"

[bswisher]

A four-year-old little boy was at the doctor's office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walked over to her and inquisitively asked, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he replied, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question: "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." At this point the woman was thinking the little boy was incredibly cute and looked forward to what he had to say next.

And, much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"

Now that right there is funny. My daughter is having a baby in the next week or 2 and my grandson is turning 4 in May. I can see him doing that exact thing.. LOL

[El Gato]

Two women are walking home from the bar, they both have to pee so they slip into a nearby cemetery. One uses her panties to wipe herself, and the other uses a reef off a head stone.

Next night the husbands met at the bar, one looks at the other and says “I’m gonna have to watch my wife, she came home with no panties last night.” The other one says “Oh well, mine came home with a card wedged in her butt saying “You were loved and will be missed by the whole entire fire department.”

[El Gato]

JOKE: After I had injured one of my shins for the umpteenth time, my doctor suggested I wear some sort of protection. Remembering the shin guards I wore when I played soccer over 60 years ago, I went to a local sporting goods store.

I'm a petite, elderly woman, so when a young man came to help me, I said, "Don't laugh, but I'm looking for a pair of shin guards for soccer."

"Okay," he said with a completely straight face. "What position do you play?

[El Gato]

A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.

"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"

An eager student gave his answer.

"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."

[El Gato]

My husband David's colleague at a package-processing center was trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock.

When he was finally discovered, David and another worker were able to open the door with some difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door open while a maintenance worker was called.

A bit later, David noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from inside called, "Get me out!"

"Don't worry," David replied, "maintenance should be sending somebody."

"They did," said the voice.

[El Gato]

Ted walks into a bar and shouts out, “So, who’s the strongest guy in here?”

The toughest guy looks at him and says, “I am the strongest person around these parts! Why?”

Ted smiles politely and asks, “Can you help me push my car to the gas station?”

[El Gato]

I put some turnips, my eleven-year-old son's least-favorite vegetable, on his dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his plate, except for the turnip.

I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he wouldn't have been left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.

Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible."

[El Gato]

One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from his license. The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began.

Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?"

The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket." The officer let him in.

[El Gato]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock, brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.” The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check.

“I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds. I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.” “I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”

[El Gato]

JOKE: Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says,”I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say … Look, He’s Moving!

[El Gato]

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

[El Gato]

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Some vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the chemicals in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?”

He scans the audience quickly and points to a man in the front row, “You, sir, why don’t you give us your guess?”

The man in the front row lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake?”

[El Gato]

daaanngg!!!!

[Rodcrafter]

I don’t even want to think like that.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[El Gato]

NICE

[El Gato]

lol

[El Gato]

nice!

[El Gato]

JOKE: Two blind pilots enter a plane. They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.

In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die"

[El Gato]

JOKE: Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. Cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing my mind. I swear we just went through a red light.”

A few minutes later, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and yet they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?”

[El Gato]

JOKE: An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.

One prospective juror, Dan O'Keefe, was called for his question session.

He was asked, "Property holder?"

Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor."

Then he was asked, "Married or single?"

Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor."

Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?"

Dan stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

[El Gato]

JOKE: A teacher was giving a lesson about the circulation of blood. He said, “Now who can help me solve this mystery. As you know, if I stood on my head, the blood would run into it and I would turn red in the face.”

“Yes, sir,” the kids chorused.

“So why is it,” asked the teacher, “that when I am standing upright, the blood doesn’t run into my feet and make them turn red, like my head?”

The kids were silent for a moment, when a voice from the back called out, “I know, because your feet aren’t empty!”

[ajfoxy]

Hahaha... the logic of kids is sometimes awesome.

[El Gato]

JOKE: A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs, "Your badge! Show him your badge!"