JOKE OF THE DAY

[El Gato]

A couple decided that the only way to have sex while their ten year old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighborhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening.

“A police car has just pulled at the Hamiltons’ house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, the Smiths are going for a walk with their new dog, and the Mitchell’s are having sex.”

Hearing this, the boy’s parents shot bolt upright. “How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?”

“Because their kid is standing on the balcony too.”

[El Gato]

A well-dressed man approached a woman at a health food store and in a clipped British accent asked her exactly what she did with the tofu in her basket.

She said she normally puts it in the refrigerator, looks at it for several weeks and then throws it away.

The man replied, "That's exactly what my wife does with it. I was hoping you had a better recipe."

[El Gato]

It was a quiet day on the Ark and Noah was getting bored, so he told his wife that he was going to relieve the tedium by going off on a fishing expedition.

“That’s a good idea,” she said. “You could do with a break.”

Noah collected his equipment and set off, but thirty minutes later he was back and still complaining that he was bored.

His wife said: “I didn’t expect you back so soon. If you’re that bored, why did you stop fishing after only half an hour?”

Noah replied: “I only had two worms.”

[El Gato]

While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took x-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

"What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.

"He fell out of a tree," I reported.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree Service."

Gazing intently at the x-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'Expert.'"

[El Gato]

A regular customer walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight."

The man replies, "I sure am! Yesterday I was hired by the city to go around and collect money from the parking meters!"

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

The next night the same man walks back in, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your first paycheck!"

With a wondrous look on his face, the man pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, "You mean they're gonna PAY me too?"

[El Gato]

A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So the fellow decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late 70's or early 80's model Dodge pickup," said the pastor. "Then go get married to the meanest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

[El Gato]

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang, so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.

Then she said to the minister, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

[El Gato]

I've been single a while and have attended many a wedding.

At one such wedding a little old lady approached me pointed her finger at me and said, "You're next."

It seemed that from that point on, she was at half the weddings I attended, and at each she would point her boney finger at me and say, "You're next".

I was getting sick of this little game, and decided to put an end to it.

One day I was at a funeral and noticed her standing to the side of the room.

I approached her, pointed my finger at her, and said, "You're next".

[El Gato]

My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, “There’s something I must confess.”

“Shhh” I said, “there’s nothing to confess. Everything is alright.”

“No I must die in peace. I never really loved you and I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!”

I took a deep breath, looked her in the eyes and whispered, “I know, that’s why I poisoned you, now close your eyes and die already!!”

[El Gato]

A man walks into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, "Is there a criminal lawyer in town?"

To which the man behind the counter immediately quips, "Yes, but we haven't been able to prove it yet!"

[El Gato]

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

[El Gato]

The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order. When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning nineteen and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or nineteen roses -- one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your nineteen-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your fifty-year-old wife."

The young man bought a dozen roses.

[El Gato]

A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door only to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started moving slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn’t come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

Finally, he gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a bar and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through, crying as he went on.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar, one said to the other: “Look, that’s the character who climbed into our car while we were pushing!”

[El Gato]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man picks up with the speaker phone on and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops talking.

MAN: ”Hello?”

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN:”I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: ”How much?”

WOMAN: “$50,000.”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Kate and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is?

[El Gato]

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady.

He asked a nearby trainer, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

[El Gato]

Flying into a Middle East airport, my co-pilot and I reviewed our flight plan for the trip back to the USS Enterprise. We were to pick up a Navy captain, and experience had taught me that even seasoned vets turn white-knuckled during carrier landings.

Once the captain was strapped in, I turned around to welcome him aboard. "Sir," I asked, "will this be your first carrier landing?"

Looking at me with disdain, he opened his inflatable vest to display gold wings above five rows of ribbons. "Son," he said, "I have over 500 carrier landings in jet fighters."

"That's good to hear," my co-pilot said, winking at me, "because this will be our first."

[El Gato]

A guy appeared in court for killing his wife after catching her in bed with another man. Passing sentence, the judge said:

“Can I ask, why did you kill your wife instead of just killing her lover?”

The defendant replied: “But your honor, is it not better that I just killed her rather than a different man each week?”

[El Gato]

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?"

The father answered immediately, "I just don't know, son. No male has ever lived that long yet."

[El Gato]

On the farm where I was raised, home canning was a big thing. Most folks had a garden and ate out of it all summer; the surplus was put up in bottles for the winter.

The common saying was: "We eat what we can, and what we can't, we can."

[El Gato]

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, infinite wisdom, or infinite beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers,

“Say something.”

The dean sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.”

[El Gato]

In a small town in the United States, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous, or what?"

"Not at all, ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don't pout when I yell at them."

[El Gato]

I took my four-year-old son, Josh, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guys' night out."

As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked, "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"

I explained that they were tiny seeds and that they were OK to eat.

He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought.

Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever."

[El Gato]

A grandfather always made a special effort with his grandchildren. Many Sunday mornings he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn’t feel like being up at all. Luckily, grandma came to the rescue and said that she would take the grandchild out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see Grandpa.

“Well,” the grandfather asked, “did you enjoy your ride with Granny?”

“Oh yes, Grandpa,” the girl replied, “and do you know what? We didn’t see a single dumb bastard or lousy jerk!”

[El Gato]

A man has to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decides to bring his wife. When they arrive at their hotel and are shown to their room, the man says, "You rest here while I register. I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed. Just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical, but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look, lie here on the bed. You'll be thrown right to the floor!" the woman says.

So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in.

"What are you doing here?" the husband asks.

The manager replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

[El Gato]

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa!!