JOKE OF THE DAY

[El Gato]

OKE OF THE DAY: At Sea World, our grandson absolutely refused to see the show featuring Shamu the killer whale, but he wouldn't tell us why.

No amount of discussion could get him to change his mind.

Later, when we got home, we discovered the reason for his reluctance.

An aunt had told him how exciting the show would be because "They choose children from the audience to feed Shamu."

[El Gato]

JOKE OF THE DAY: The new young employee right out of college stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" he heard a voice say. He turned around to find his boss standing right behind him.

"Yes," he replied shyly. "How does this thing work?"

"Simple," the boss said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

Sarcastic Al Says:

"The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day."

[El Gato]

JOKE OF THE DAY: A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:

A bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a Playboy magazine.

"I’ll just hide behind the door," the preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up."

"If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a business-man, and that would be okay, too. But, if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he’s going to be a skirt-chasing bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s centerfold.

Seeing this the preacher whispered to himself, "I guess he's going to be a President one day."

[El Gato]

OKE OF THE DAY: One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

[Pete Mazz]

[El Gato]

!

[El Gato]

JOKE OF THE DAY: An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old general sends for his trusty Indian scout. "You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."

The trusty Indian scout lies down and puts his ear to the ground. "Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint. Many many guns. Medicine man also with them."

"Good grief!" exclaims the general. "You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?"

"No," replies the Indian, "I can see under the gate."

[El Gato]

JOKE OF THE DAY: A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."

Sarcastic Al Says:

"Why call someone when you can just decide where you and your friend want to meet by exchanging 76 text messages?"

[El Gato]

OKE OF THE DAY: Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency.

During the discussion, she asked. "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today for a million dollars, and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"

The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."

Sarcastic Al Says:

"I'll go to any Black Friday sale that gets me away from my family."

[temurf]

Thank you El Gato for putting a smile on my face.

[ajfoxy]

a belly chuckle does improve the day.

[El Gato]

NP!!! I TRY!!

[El Gato]

JOKE OF THE DAY: Each evening a bird lover, Tom, stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One night an owl called back to him.

For a year, Tom and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with her neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied, "so does mine."

[El Gato]

JOKE OF THE DAY: An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."

The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."

POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"

The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."

Sarcastic Al Says:

"The office holiday party is a great time to show everyone you can actually be valuable around the office."

[El Gato]

JOKE OF THE DAY: A woman goes into a fishing store to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is an associate standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50."

Sarcastic Al Says:

"There's nothing like the joy on my kid's face when he will see the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas."

[El Gato]

JOKE OF THE DAY: A husband decides to join his wife for the first time playing golf. He’s never really been into the game, but since his wife was playing with all these men around, he wanted to come and check it out.

All day long he complains: About the heat, about the other people, about how long it’s taking…

They are on the 9th green when suddenly he collapses from a heart attack! “Help me,” he groans to his wife.

The wife calls 911 on her cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up her putter, and lines up her putt.

Her husband raises his head off the green and stares at her. “I’m dying over here and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry dear,” says the wife calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” he asks feebly.

“No time at all,” says his wife. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

[El Gato]

JOKE OF THE DAY: Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them, complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago, and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year: namely, that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up... and I have not heard back.

[ajfoxy]

Ahh shit that was classic thanks.

[El Gato]

JOKE OF THE DAY: An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.

The boy's hair was bright yellow and green with orange tips, and he had blue makeup around his eyes.

The old man kept looking at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"

The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Sarcastic Al Says:

"I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

[El Gato]

JOKE OF THE DAY: A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve.

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

[Smurf]

Thanks El Gato enjoy reading the jokes

[El Gato]

KEWL!!! thanks

[Squiggle]

[El Gato]

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert was visiting a friend. To get to his friend’s house, he needed to cross the train tracks. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on before so while crossing he heard a whistle, but didn’t know what it was. Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the tracks with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party.

While in the kitchen, he hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my tea kettle?”

The desert man replies, “Man, these things are no joke, you gotta kill them when they’re small.”

Sarcastic Al Says:

"Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case."

[El Gato]

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."