JOKE OF THE DAY

[El Gato]

JOKE: Diagnosing my problem as water on the knee, the doctor prescribed complete bed rest. When we got home, my husband set me up in a lounge chair and brought my knitting and some books.

As he packed ice around my knee, he said, "Now, honey, I don't want you to move until it's time to get dinner ready."

[El Gato]

Two hunters were dragging their recently slain deer through the snow back to their truck. Each one had a grip on a rear leg.

As they passed by an old Indian, he commented that the deer would pull a lot easier if they pulled it by the front legs because of the direction that the deer’s hair lays.

So the hunters each began pulling by the front legs.

About 20 minutes later, one of them says, “Boy! This is a lot easier.”

The other one replies, “Yes, but we sure are getting a lot farther from the truck!”

[El Gato]

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out!!!”

[Big T]

[El Gato]

A woman found a magic bottle, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So, what will it be?”

The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and the Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable!!! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I’m good, but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know – one that’s considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for, a good man.”

The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see the map again.”

[El Gato]

A long time ago, a visitor from out of town went on a tour of Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived at Battery Park, the guide showed the visitor some nice yachts anchoring there and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers."

"And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.

[El Gato]

Four friends spent weeks planning a perfect desert camping and riding trip. Two days before the group is to leave, Rob’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Rob’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

“Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes and said ‘guess who’?”

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed so I did. Then she said, ‘Now, you can do whatever you want.’ So here I am.”

[El Gato]

I just came off of jury duty. None of us was thrilled to spend hours and hours waiting around in a boring waiting room to see if we'd get selected. There was a rather smug college professor who REALLY didn't want to be there. When the judge was asking questions of the prospective jurors, concerning our abilities to judge fairly among the witnesses on both sides, the college professor said, "I don't believe in the justice system of this state, and I should be relieved."

I guess he thought he'd be sent home.

The judge was not impressed, to say the least, and said, "I find you in contempt of this court. I sentence you to spend one week in this courtroom. You will serve your sentence between the hours of 9:00 am and 4:30 pm and may go to have your lunch as the court stipulates from day to day. I think your opinion of our justice system will change. If you fail to carry out your sentence, you will spend one week in jail. You may now sit down, professor."

The rest of us were tempted to applaud, but thought better of it.

[El Gato]

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

“Oh, we’ll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,” the husband explained.

“She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.”

He continued, “She communicates well and I act like I’m listening.”

[El Gato]

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

[El Gato]

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”

“And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct,” asked the rejected applicant.

“We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” said the department manager.

“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” the rejected applicant inquired.

“Simple,” said the department manager, “Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.’”

[El Gato]

In Africa, some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression.

In America, they call it golf.

[towtruck]

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”

“And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct,” asked the rejected applicant.

“We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” said the department manager.

“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” the rejected applicant inquired.

“Simple,” said the department manager, “Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.’”

Three men were waiting for their turn to interview for an inspector/detective job. The first man is brought in and told by the secretary not to mention the boss has no ears. During the interview it was hard for the first man to not think about the guy having no ears. The boss told the applicant he needed to be observant and to make an observation about him. As hard as he could try he could not come up with anything but his ears and he blurted out "sir, you have no ears". The man threw him out of the office in a rage. He told the other two not to mention the guys lack of ears. The second applicant goes in and is asked all the same questions. When the question came up to make an observation about the boss the second man did what the first did and was promptly escorted out of the office. He too warned the third not the mention the lack of ears. The third applicant goes in and again is asked all the same questions. When the time came for the observation he thought about it a bit and then said "you wear contact lenses" The boss was pleasantly surprised and praised him for his good observation skills. The boss then asked him just what it was that made him come to that conclusion. He said "well, it was easy because you got no frikken ears"........

[towtruck]

Fred was a single man that drank a bit and he was rumored to have played the field too. Every Sunday Fred went to church. Every Sunday the church busy body, Maxine, was always spreading rumors and reporting on Fred's whereabouts, when he was at the bar or around town at a young ladies house. Fred never paid any attention to Maxine's nosy behavior. For years he put up with it and one day Fred decided to get his revenge. One Saturday evening Fred drove his well known pickup across town and quietly parked it in Maxine's driveway and walked home. Fred walked to church the next morning and was greeted at the door by the preacher who smiled ear to ear and told Fred he could sit up front as he was sure there would be a vacancy there today.

[El Gato]

A farmhand went to church one Sunday, but when he entered he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the farmhand if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

“Well,” said the farmhand, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d still feed him.”

So the minister began his sermon. An hour passed, then two hours, then two and a half hours. Finally the preacher finished and asked the farmhand whether he had enjoyed the sermon.

“Well,” said the farmhand, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all the hay.”

[El Gato]

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question. “If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?”

After pondering the question she answered, “I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra-terrestrial life on the planet.”

They said “well okay, thank you.” And told her that they would get back to her. Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, “I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings.” Again, “thank you” and they would get back to her.

Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, “I would like to go to the sun.”

The people from NASA replied, “Why, don’t you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?”

The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. “Are you guys dumb? I’d go at night!”

[El Gato]

Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.

"How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter.

She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks.

[El Gato]

OKE: A woman is taking a bath when suddenly she hears a knock at the door.

“Can I come in?” a male voice asks.

“Who is it?” the woman asks.

“It is the blind man” says the voice on the other side of the door.

The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door without a cover, thinking, “Well, he’s blind anyway”.

The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, “Great boobs! Now where would you like the blinds?”

[El Gato]

The convict who escaped from Texas State Prison late Friday evening is safely back in custody after surrendering himself to police early this morning.

When asked why he gave himself up after his first taste of freedom for twelve years, the con replied, "When I finally got home, the first thing my wife asked me was, 'Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago.'"

[El Gato]

Three men were on a bus to prison where they were allowed to bring only one personal item. They were telling each other what they brought.

The first man, being intellectually minded, said, “I wanted to bring something that could actually have a variety of purposes. It needed to be something that I could not be easily bored with. So I had a hard choice to make, between a small radio, a tiny television set, and a deck of cards. Knowing that electronic devices would more than likely not be permitted personally to an inmate, I decided upon the cards, so that I can play a number of games: Gin, Rummy, Solitaire, Hearts,” and continued to name more games.

The second man said, “I like painting, and I intend to be the Grandmother Moses of this jail house. I am going to paint anything that I can. So I brought my painting supplies.” The third man, a blond, said with a grin, “I was thoughtful enough to bring a box of Tampons.”

Muffled, the other two men questioned his choice, “What in the hell can you do with Tampons?”

The man grimaced happily, “Well, just look here on the box. You can swim, horseback ride, even skate! I just can’t wait to see how they work!”

[El Gato]

JOKE: I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

[El Gato]

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later, he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, toothpaste, and paper items.

"Well, what do you think?" his wife asked, smiling.

"Next time," he replied, "I'm writing to General Motors!"

[El Gato]

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

[El Gato]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. The wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”

“My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

[El Gato]

A new blonde employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory, and she reports for her first day promptly at 8am. By the end of the day, there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman from the assembly line enters and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. “I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to I keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you this morning. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”