JOKE OF THE DAY

[El Gato]

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between “complete” and “finished.”

However, in a linguistic conference, held in London some years ago, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, a Guyanese named Samsundar Balgobin, was the clever winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between “complete” and “finished.” Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

His response was:

“When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’

If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’

And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are ‘completely finished.'”

[El Gato]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan and open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"

[El Gato]

Coco-Cola in Israel A disappointed salesman of Coca-Cola returned from his assignment to Israel.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Israelis?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch. But I had a problem. I didn't know how to speak Hebrew. So I planned to convey the message through three posters:

First poster : A man lying in the hot desert sand ... totally exhausted and fainting.

Second poster: The man is drinking Coca-Cola.

Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed. And then these posters were pasted all over the place."

Terrific! That should have worked!" said the friend.

"The hell it should have!" said the salesman. "No one told me they read from right to left!

[El Gato]

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to ‘enforce the laws pending.’ He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, ‘Looks like you’ve had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?’

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck’s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, ‘This here’s a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?’ The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license.

The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird’s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, ‘This here’s an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?’ The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license.

The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, ‘This here’s an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?’ Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license.

The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, ‘You’ve got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?’ The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said ‘You’re so smart, why don’t you tell me!’

[Big T]

[Philsmoker]

A mate of mine is a professional distiller & was bottling a cask of 9 year old whisky. He had about 3/4 of a bottle left at the end. I stupidly asked him what did he do with it. He replied he organically filtered it to make it acceptable to put down the sewer!

[McBroom]

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to ‘enforce the laws pending.’ He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, ‘Looks like you’ve had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?’

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck’s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, ‘This here’s a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?’ The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license.

The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird’s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, ‘This here’s an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?’ The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license.

The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, ‘This here’s an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?’ Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license.

The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, ‘You’ve got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?’ The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said ‘You’re so smart, why don’t you tell me!’

By far the best one I've heard lately.

Claud

[Philsmoker]

I was laying in hospital when there was a blood curdling scream from the bed next to me. The matron rushed in & shouted to the student nurse "Nurse I told you to prick his boil!!"

[Philsmoker]

Two sailors were scrubbing the deck when one said to the other "Where's the soap?" the other replied "Doesn't it!"