JOKE OF THE DAY

[El Gato]

JOKE OF THE DAY: The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto maker for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, S---!"

Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

Sarcastic Al Says:

"Sorry to break it to you, but if your birthday is in January, you were most likely conceived on April's Fool Day."

[El Gato]

JOKE OF THE DAY: A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabby explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412.

The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"

The cab passed the House of Parliament next, the cabby stating that it started construction in 1544 and was completed 1618.

"Boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"

As they passed Westminster Abbey the cabby was silent.

"Whoa! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.

"Darned if I know, wasn't there yesterday..."

[El Gato]

"Cash, check, or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

[El Gato]

A man was driving down the highway late one night when his mini-van broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamburgini Countash pulls up.

"Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the mini-van driver.

"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countash replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."

They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Farrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev it's engine to get the Countash to race. The Countash rev's its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.

The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countash were driving down the road doing about 120 with a Mini-van honking it's horn and flashing it's lights trying to pass them!"

[El Gato]

As in many homes on New Year's Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on the TV, or the lunch with family.

Hoping to keep the peace Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the TV.

Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Nigel. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Nigel told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0.

"See?" Janet said happily, "You didn't miss a thing."

Sarcastic Al Says:

"Hope your New Year's resolutions last longer than your New Year's hangover. Happy New Year!"

[El Gato]

Once upon a time there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.

One day he met a beautiful princess and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her too. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: "Pardon me?"

[El Gato]

There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"

"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."

"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.

"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.

"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.

[El Gato]

After a lunch break, a pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

“What’s wrong with him?” he asked his assistant.

“He came in for cough syrup but I couldn’t find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives.”

”You idiot” said the pharmacist, “you can’t treat a cough with laxatives”

“Of course u can” the assistant replied. “Look at him, he’s too scared to cough now."

[El Gato]

My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.

"I went to the bookstore," she explained, "and I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and I decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was cleaning, I found the same darn book. I had bought it a couple of years ago!"

[El Gato]

While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.

"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.

"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."

At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"

[El Gato]

JOKE OF THE DAY: One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."

Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

"Can I borrow your dog?" asked Dave.

"Get in line." replied the man.

[ajfoxy]

Hahahha... that's gold.

[Rodcrafter]

No comment my wife reads some of these posts.

[El Gato]

Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from our equally small airport.

I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers."

Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"

Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"

"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

[El Gato]

: A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

[El Gato]

Little Susie, a six year old, complained, "Mommy, I've got a stomachache."

"That's because your stomach is empty," the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."

That afternoon, Susie heard her father complaining that he had a severe headache all day.

Susie perked up, "Daddy, you have a headache because your head's empty", she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

[El Gato]

It seems a lady moved from Phoenix to Seattle and when she arrived it was raining. While she moved in, it rained. The next day it rained... and the next.

After several rainy days, while standing on her porch, she noticed a young boy on the porch of her neighbor's house. Trying not to sound too depressed, in a cheerful voice she called over to the lad, "Hi son, I'm your new neighbor."

"Hi," the boy called back and waved.

"Say, son, does it ever stop raining here?" she asked.
With a look of consternation, the youngster replied, "Lady, how would I know? I'm only six years old!"

[The Czar]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[Rodcrafter]

[El Gato]

nice one

[El Gato]

just lucky

[El Gato]

disrespect

[El Gato]

drink

[El Gato]

yup

[Dirtytires]

Not touching that one...