JOKE OF THE DAY

[El Gato]

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."

[El Gato]

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman’s death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: “Prophet, tell me when you will die!”

The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. So he said, “I do not know when I will die. I only know that whenever I die, you will die three days later.”

Sarcastic Al Says:

"Being a Secret Santa is pretty much the only office secret I have ever kept."

[El Gato]

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."

Sarcastic Al Says:

"A conclusion is the part where you get tired of thinking."

[El Gato]

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I had gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.

My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated, but it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors: greens, yellows, reds, etc and keep a balance between all colors.

After I got home, I assembled a bowl of peanut M&Ms with equal amounts of green, yellow and red. After I ate it, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.

[El Gato]

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class, some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Northmont high school. “Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a thunderbolt,” he said gleaming with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1975. Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!”, I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely, then, the ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat, gray-haired, decrepit fool asked, “What did you teach?”

Sarcastic Al Says:

"The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income."

[El Gato]

A married couple, in their early 60s, was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table. She said: "For being such an exemplary married couple and especially for being so thoughtful and loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, said the wife, I want to travel around the World with my darling husband."

The fairy waved her magic wand; and -- poof! -- two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner and Ten Thousand Dollars appeared in her hands. Then it was the husband's turn.

He thought for a minute and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. So I'm going with my mind and not my Heart. "

"I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed. But a wish is a wish.

So, the Fairy waved her magic wand, and - Poof! -- the husband became 92 years old.

The Moral of the story:

Men who are ungrateful husbands should remember; Fairies are female.

[El Gato]

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women.

The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn’t want to hear them. To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they’d just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.

Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, “You know, girls, there’s a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say….”

Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.

Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, “Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There’s plenty of time ’cause the bus doesn’t leave till morning!”

Sarcastic Al Says:

"I think you press "0" to be connected with customer service because that's the amount of help they give you."

[El Gato]

JOKE OF THE DAY: The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right.

"So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"

[El Gato]

Billy-Bob and Bubba were sitting in the back of a trailer, drinking a beer and talking about life.

Billy-Bob said, "If I snuck over to your house while you were out fishing and had sex with your wife, and she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"

Bubba scratched his head for a bit and said, "I don't think so...but it sure would make us even."

Sarcastic Al Says:

"Relationships are very much like algebra. You keep looking at your X and wondering where is Y."

[El Gato]

JOKE OF THE DAY: My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning, we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone.

Suddenly, his rod bent double and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool. Scott was master of the situation.

"Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."

[El Gato]

OKE OF THE DAY: "What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Alton towers and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.

"By now, I was determined to read that sign, so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!"

Sarcastic Al Says:

"I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay. They quickly arrested me."

[El Gato]

A well dressed lady was approached by a homeless woman one day on the street. The homeless woman asked for a few dollars for something to eat. The lady pulled a $10 from her purse and then asked the woman, "If I give you this, are you going to buy wine instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to give up drinking a long time ago," said the woman.

"Well, if I give you this, are you going to go shopping for clothes instead of eating?"

"No way. It is all I can do just to stay alive on the streets."

"Well, if I give you this, are you going to get your hair done instead of having a meal?"

"No, I have not even washed my hair in over a month. Why would I do that, I am just hungry."

"Well," said the lady, "I am not going to give you this $10. Instead I am going to take you to dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The woman said, "Are you sure you want to do that? I am so dirty and I smell awful."

"Oh, that's OK. My husband needs to see what happens to a woman who gives up wine, shopping and having her hair done!"

[ajfoxy]

[El Gato]

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

One day, Carlos asked Jose, “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”

“Look at your sign, what does it say?” replies Jose.

Carlos’ sign reads, “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.”

Jose says, “no wonder you only get $2-3.”

Carlos says, “So what does your sign say then?”

Jose shows Carlos his sign – it reads: “I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico”

Sarcastic Al Says:

"What do politicians and porn stars have most in common? They're experts at switching positions in front of camera."

[El Gato]

JOKE OF THE DAY: Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”

“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the smirking male clerk.

“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package, turned around and looking at an older lady down one aisle said, “Grandma is paying today.”

Sarcastic Al Says:

"Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred."

[El Gato]

JOKE OF THE DAY: My family was visiting a church and the minister announced they had both Spanish and English Bibles for use during the service.

My youngest son tugged at my sleeve and whispered, "Mommy, I want one of those Spanish Bibles."

"Don't be silly, you can't read Spanish," I quickly rejoined.

Holding out his own Bible to me, my kindergartner explained, "Mom, I can't read English either."

[El Gato]

JOKE OF THE DAY: The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.

The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.

Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.

After listening, he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the darn wall!"

Sarcastic Al Says:

"Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can't hit me with them."

[Rodcrafter]

[El Gato]

JOKE OF THE DAY: A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with this Walmart parking lot. Do you want to follow me over to Target."

[El Gato]

A man is caught sitting at a make-shift campfire by a forest ranger, and to the ranger's horror, the man is eating a bald eagle. The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like this:

JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

MAN: "Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

JUDGE: "Proceed."

MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle who lighted upon a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

JUDGE: "The court will take a recess while I consider your testimony."

(15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.)

JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."

The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

MAN: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

[El Gato]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to the earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window I muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail!

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite.

[El Gato]

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone.

The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.

She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

[El Gato]

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms!"

Sarcastic Al Says:

"My mother always tried to teach me what road leads to success, but every time I went down there, it was under construction."

[El Gato]

JOKE OF THE DAY: An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"

[El Gato]

OKE OF THE DAY: A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked.

"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"

"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.